The real problem with pronouncing doom and gloom all over the place is
how it affects families, especially the stress it places on the relationship
between partners.
As a qualified psychotherapist and counsellor I am seeing an increase in
the number of people who are experiencing real difficulties with their
relationship. I used the word ‘partners’ above because any couple that's in a relationship, whether
they are married or not, need to remember that they are
actually partners. I have put
down some ideas here that may help some of you start making positive changes to
the financial situation that may be affecting your relationship.
Start
by taking joint ownership of your finances.
Partnership and money management is a joint
project, not just the responsibility of one of you. What I mean is that there is no difference
between you when it comes to earning or spending. It doesn’t matter if there is one or two
wages coming into the home “I let my wife/husband handle that” is no
excuse. A colleague told me “In our
home, my wife keeps the books, but I know what’s in them”. I recommend you both ‘Sit down together and
talk about it’.
Don’t
let Pride get in the way.
A client who I was treating recently revealed that part of her problem
was due to her husband. She could see he
was troubled and felt it was due to financial stresses but he wouldn’t talk
about them. They both came to see me and
the reasons came out. He felt he had
failed in his duty as the breadwinner because he couldn’t make ends meet and
was having trouble managing his money.
His wife knew something was wrong, which was upsetting her because he
wouldn’t talk.
My advice was that they ‘Stop wasting time with this unhelpful pride,
talk to each other and enjoy being part of a team solving their troubles
together.
Don’t
play the blame game.
Blame or fear of blame is wasteful energy. When you need to examine your way of living
do it together. It is not about who is
to blame, it is about identifying where you are financially and what, as partners
you intend to do. The situation is what
it is!!
Develop
a clear, manageable action plan.
This plan must be based on what you can afford, decide what bits you can
cut down on without losing all of your way of life.
- Do you really need to take a
holiday in Barbados
– what about somewhere less exotic?
- Have you got the money in the
bank?
Last year a
colleague took his car and traded it in for a smaller one. He and his wife both said they were quite sad
about selling the old car. However they now have a more economical car that
costs less to tax and insure.
Ask
yourself questions like;
- Am
I getting value for money on my annual golf club membership or should I pay
when I play?
-
Do
I need to spend all that money on fitness club membership?
My friend
attends a fitness class at a local school; it costs her £4 per session. Do the numbers, weekly to yearly you will
soon see how much you can save without affecting your lifestyle.
Start
living within your means
Start living within your budget immediately.
There is a real sense of achievement in being able to make the money fit
the month. Its even better if there is some left over which you can save. There is fulfilment in being part of an
effective team which actually strengthens your relationship, which means you
can be proud of something real and not attempting to keep up with the
neighbours or people you are trying to impress.
In my
experience I have found that we tend to “Use time we don’t have, spending money
we can’t afford on things we don’t need whilst trying to impress people we
don’t like”.
Real
success is living in such a way that the relationship has more value than what
other people think of us.
Use
your debit card instead of your credit card.
Both Credit and Debt cards are supplied to us on the basis of security
and convenience. Providing you settle
the credit card bill each month it
is economical. If you don’t clear it you
may be hit with some of the highest interest rates around and it is surprising
how quick the bill mounts up. With a debit card, the money is taken straight
out of your account. If its not there
you cannot spend it. It is also possible
to arrange an overdraft facility. In this instant you only pay interest for the
days that you use the overdraft.
Go
and get advice
Once again
that word Pride pops up. Swallow that
pride if you really are struggling, both of you go and get advice together
before it’s too late. And don’t take
your stress and worry out on each other.
Remember the saying “Pride goes before a fall”
If any part of this article helps you to address issues within your
relationship then I am pleased. If you
feel that you would benefit from talking to me then contact me through my
website www.aim4totalhealth.com
REMEMBER THE GOLDEN RULE – TALK TO EACH OTHER HONESTLY AND OPENLY. ITS ONLY MONEY!!
Vernon Harris LNCP,
MGHR, GQHP